Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
