took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
