I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
