he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
