I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
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