Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
