Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
