I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
