Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
