i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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