what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
