I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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