I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
