its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
