three words: i give head
three words: not that well
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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