my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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