I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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