So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
