Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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