Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
that is very illegal...i love you.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
