I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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