I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
