Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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