I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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