You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
