I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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