Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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