I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
