I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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