I should be sponsored by Trojan
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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