i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
