How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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