this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
