Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
