i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
