Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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