guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
