I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
