Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
