you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
If I die, sorry about rent.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
