And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
