God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
