Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
