Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
