When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
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