The maid of honor just puked.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
