I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize