Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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