you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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