just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
