I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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