i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
