: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
