Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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