Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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