This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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