He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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