there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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